A tall African gentleman has just wandered up my road listening to his ipod, putting cards through peoples' doors. These tell myself and my fellow residents of Walthamstow that we should "Pay after result".

That sounds like a mighty tempting offer, until you discover that Sheikh Abou, for it is probably he, is listing all sorts of calamities and problems, which he will protect you from - before you become a victim. So, not being a victim of any of these matters - the mssing loved ones, the exams or the court cases, let alone the powers of black magic, bad luck or witch craft which might be cast on my 'by enemies', I am to pay him after the result for his having prevented evils which have not yet, or indeed, ever will, actually occur. An interesting line of work this man is in. He also tells us "I also work by correspondence - quick positive results Guaranteed". The problem with being an "International Clairvoyant" of course, is that he assumes the rest of us are too - there is no address to correspond with given on the card, just a couple of telephone numbers he says we should not hesitiate to call.

I could file this card in the big round nearly-alphabetical filing cabinet on the floor next to my desk, along with the many similar disturbing nonsenses over-intruding into our local culture which I may have had cause to mention from time to time:

Alien Abductions
Bob Crow's Political Career
Conspiracies
Dodgy Dealings
Over-egging Easter
Fish Tank Fracases
Graveyards as Bedrooms
Hubris Fuelled Beacons
Interest Rates
Jeffrey Archer
Knife Crime Culture
Lord Coe's Landgrabs
Mockney Accents
Newsagent's windows
Over-Genuflection to Oxford Educated Trustafarians
Police Notice 6 of 2009
Quack-Nostrums
Religious Raddleheads
Scrap-Metal Sculptures
Toupes at Bus Stops
Underhand Public Servants
Vegetable Rip-Offs
Wasted Opportunities
Social Exclusion
Yesterday's Politicos
Zips Over Mouths

Maybe though, after careful consultation, Sheikh Abou will be able to take some of these things on. Not all, even though he does promise to 'solve all your worries'. After all, I wouldn't want him to have to wait too long for his reward in this life.