With the kind of precision that only a government led by the Bean-Counter General is capable, it has been determined that Waltham Forest, the borough of which Walthamstow is but the cutest and most interesting part, is 46th on a list of 50 places determined to be of 'high priority' where alcohol-related crime and disorder are concerned.
As a result of this New Year Honour, the local authority is to be provided with a handsome purse of £30,000 from the Home Office to tackle the issue. With a population of anything between 220000 and a quarter of a million people, that works out at about 8 pence each.
I wonder what this largess is going to buy us all? One Trebor Extra Strong mint each, every quarter, to make our booze-laced breath a minty bit stronger in line with government targets? Or does the government seriously think that we will all be sobering up and playing scrabble because the council has been given another thirty grand to squander on some pen-pushing do-gooder?
Or maybe the cash will be handed back to us directly in smaller council tax bills, and we will no longer be stocking up at Sainsbury's, ASDA and assorted discount booze-retailers near us, to drink our recession-worried selves to oblivion before venturing into the streets where the local PCSOs will spring into action and fine us all 50 quid for the privilege of drinking freely on public land we own.
Newly sober and responsible, I have a vision of whole streets being able to all club together and send Alan Campbell, the Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State responsible for this brilliant scheme of crime reduction, a postcard at the end of the year to let him know what a successful man he is. This scheme, which he claims he "fully" expects will "boost the drive against alcohol-related crime and disorder, and help reduce alcohol related problems in London has, unfortunately, all the hall-marks of a New Labour scam to buy headlines in local papers in Labour seats up and down the country, and it will not amount to anything more than a further pointless frittering away and wasting of the public's hard earned money for no tangible gain whatsoever.
Ah another mighty Nanny scheme from the organisation of the Emperor Gordon. You drink sodden southerners should be delighted that the mighty nappy-changers have cast there eyes upon you and deemed you all to be worthy of saving. You should stop your pithy commentary and accept that the creation of another council official with a worthy non-job has been allowed for the mere price of £30,000.