Stilts

I was in Sainsbury's today looking to spend a voucher for a quid off five pounds worth of tinned goods I had recently been sent through the post. This had me contemplating how, at 26p, the price of their basic plum tomatoes, has gone up further and faster this week than the stock market has dropped. How dishonest is the attempt to 're-brand' Sainsbury's as the consumer's friend in times of need?

I am not sure exactly what it was about the deceptive 'money off' voucher that reminded me of another leaflet full of hokum which had also recently come through my door. This one had been advertising 'Britain's Top Healing Ministry'. When I got home, without the tomatoes, I had a close look at this leaflet.

This told the susceptible portion of the public that purveyors of Gospel and Healing were to be active at an industrial estate nearby, offering 'The Healing Outpouring' today at "Petra Global Ministries (C/O Gomer Faith Ministries) 7 Blackhorse Lane opposite Jade Chinese teakeaway, Walthamstow."

The advertised event, taking place at the same time as I was scratching my head in wonderment at the cheek of Sainsbury's in giving me 20% off on goods they had added 44% to the price of, was, like Sainsbury's, who will fleece Jews, Christians and Muslims with equal dedication, 'For all people - all Faiths - all Religions'. It had been publicized by the delivery though local doors a couple of evenings previously, of a poorly designed and photocopied A4 flier on yellow paper. My door was included. As with other such adverts for God's marvelous miracles, I have to ask, why me?

The leaflet, containing the exhortation to 'Meet him personally' (as opposed to meeting him impersonally or turning up and meeting someone completely different), promoted, not a meeting with God, but a chance to sample the faux-religious tomfoolery of one Melvin Banks, 'Seen on BBC1 TV and SKY recently'.

The promotional spiel contained miracle claims for Mr Banks: "Little child Walks-First time in its life" (The child who was allegedly the subject of this wonderous development being all of two years old); "A Housewife dances down road off crutches - now a Nurse, strong and happy." (Photo of woman looking rather like she could be a relative of Mr Banks shown running towards the camera holding a crutch). "Wheelchair being pushed home after prayer". "Admission FREE". "Ring to book".

Other highlights not to be missed were; "ASTONISHING! AMAZING HEALINGS OF...Arthritis, Depression, Fears, Blood Disorders, Parkingson's Disease, Skin Diseases, scores of other diseases... Frozen shoulders, Multiple Sclerosis, Nerves. The deaf have heard..."

And of course, there are testimonials to accompany the grainy photographs. Some of these were from newspapers I had never heard of and which don't seem to exist, like the Canterbury and Kent Gazette ('Hands of healing - inspire real hope'). One was from someone described as 'Church of England Leader Canon Widdecombe'. This will be news to the Archbishop of Canterbury, no doubt. It turns out the Canon in question is the brother of the former Shadow Home Secretary, Anne Widdecombe. Has he actually agreed to be part of Mr Banks's marketing drive to get the gullible to turn up to the former industrial warehouse that is the premises of the Gomer Faith Ministries?

It is perfectly possible. I presume that men of the cloth do not misquote each other or use each others' reverend names and endorsements in vain, even if they may seem to attach claims to themselves that suggest they have forgotten the biblical injunction in the Third Commandment that "You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name".

The Canon may or may not be in on the act, an act which, along with Sainsbury's marketing trick of offering discounts on ramped up prices, is as old as the hills. This act by Mr Banks involves the identification and targeting of an audience of vulnerable, frightened, people, selecting themselves as desperate and greedy for the recognition and relief of all or any of their pains and full of fear for the future("...said by Dublin's top hospital that he could not walk"). It works even better when it has been suggested to the suggestible in advance that their problem is worse than it really is. All marketers learn early that it pays to play up and manipulate fears. "Do you have Problems, Family Troubles, Sickness, Stress, Pain, Anxiety or Fears? THEN THIS IS FOR YOU!".

Once the sheep have been gathered together, (interspersed with a few unwitting and possibly wittingly unscrupulous pals who will chivvy the crowd along and help create a flock-like mentality), some vague and fine words will be said, a few songs sung, some touchy-feely warmth created to go along with a bit of a razzle dazzle and then the usual point of the whole exercise would be - to hit 'em in their wallets.

I don't often worry about God. I don't think of God as someone who needs worrying about. Not in the sense that I ask Him, (Her or You and Me, for that matter), for things or 'signs' to prove he exists. I don't think he needs the reassurance of such requests.

I have however wondered fairly regularly over the years why a loving, omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient God would have to get his people to master the bottom end of the reproductive technologies which Mankind has available to it and then place the resultant leaflets through letterboxes in order to gather his sufferers together in one room, His Wonders To Behold. Seeing, according to the likes of the Doubting Thomas Mr Banks, apparently being the basis of believing, and no doubt being an important lubricant for cash. What God would need actual money for has always been a mystery to me.

I also have wondered why, given that he likes to move in mysterious ways, God is so predictably selective? Why would he be only healing at the advertised time, at the advertised place? And as these healing sessions are open to all, why not heal all who attend? And why does God need to be offered a 'Special Prayer' by a man in a tie and suit - resplendent in waistcoat and breast pocket hanky - between the hours of 10.30am and 12.30pm rather than listening to the ordinary prayers - "God save us from these charlatans" - that anyone could say in the aisles of Sainsbury's?

These mysteries aside, I am nevertheless very grateful as a taxpayer. Once Mr Banks has singlehandedly said his special prayer and cured all locals of the Arthritis, Depression, Fears, Blood Disorders, Parkinson's Disease, Skin Diseases, scores of other diseases, Frozen shoulders, Multiple Sclerosis, Nerves and even Deafness, I am very much looking forward to our being able to close down the local GPs surgeries and outpatients departments at Whipp's Cross Hospital as a result. The guys creaming off the carpark charges there are in for a bit of a surprise.

One of the great aims of marketers is to position a product or service as great value and desirable when it is anything but. Sometimes that means creating a sense of need for something which doesn't actually exist. To borrow a phrase from Jeremy Bentham, it is about placing 'nonsense on stilts'. As Mr Banks and Sainsbury's were busy striding about in their wooden leg-wear, I walked home, feet on the ground, without the over-priced tinned goods, and giving a silent prayer of thanks, to Whomever, for having my health on a beautiful, warm, blue-skied, autumnal day.