Having recently toured some of the locally available members of the healing professions; the doctor, the dentist and the off licenses, I had thought that my corner of the world had pretty much everything, reliable plumbers excepted. A card through my door this afternoon tells me otherwise.

It seems that the clairvoyant Mr Marouf, of Edmonton, believes that I am in need of the services of a man like himself 'born from a strong family with good reputation of family history in helping, guiding and solving people's problems of all nations'. Walthamstow is so small; I see now that what I have really wanted all along is to be a 'problem of all nations'. Perhaps there is a whole UN agency out there just waiting for the chance to intervene and monitor me while the Security Council debates the modalities of my just and durable solution.

I assume Mr Marouf is probably quite busy, so I bet that I am the only person he could fit in today and divined would be in need of this assistance. I am sure he has not simply been shoving his cards through the letter-boxes of any old Tom Dick and Harry in Walthamstow. No, such a far-seeing gentleman must have honoured me with a personal trip all the way from 8B Forest Road (Off Hertford Road) in Edmonton because of the portentous premonition that has come to him. I imagine his sweaty dream and clammy palm on waking, trembling with the knowledge that I, Technomist, have need of him.

I just wish I knew which of his many services he thinks I should be using. That's the trouble with clairvoyants, of course, they are so busy reading peoples' minds from afar and solving people's problems that sometimes they do it even before the person realizes they had a problem in the first place. The rest of us just have to catch up.

I wonder what my problem is. He has provided quite a list to choose from on his card. Relationships? Well, we all have those. Do I want any more? I am not sure. 'Return of Loved Ones.' Is that a good thing or something he is promising to prevent? This is so confusing. 'Union/Separations, break of unwanted marriage, fidelity of couples' - the choice is too great for me. I am sure if I phone him on the mobile number he's provided (07923 608 203) he'll be able to tell me what I need most. It's quite an exciting prospect. Maybe he will let me have more than one of his suggested solutions to my problems - 'creation of new love line' AND 'to be a famous and successful person within days'.

I think I can discard some of his suggestions straight away. I don't think I need the impotency or infertility. Nice of him to offer, all the same. Nonetheless, he is a generous versatile fellow, Mr Marouf. As well as being a medium, clairvoyant and spiritualist he is also qualified in 'solving immigration problems, court cases, to get rid of bad habit such as heavy drinking or smoking and so on...' I think the Immigration Services Commissioner will be very interested to know this - all that wasting time accrediting lawyers and immigration advisers to make sure people get decent immigration advice and all he needed to do was to sign on a few spiritualists from alcoholics anonymous and get the Department of Health to put it on their budget. 'No Matter What', the problems, his card says, I can call today (0208 443 4493) for an appointment and receive satisfactory results within days. What a marvelous offer: and he speaks both English and French. I wonder if he also does plumbing?

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